It is well with my soul
Tomorrow it will be three years since the first - and last - family pictures that we had taken before Scott's death. As I sit in the living room looking at our family picture on the wall, I am thinking back over our journey since Scott's death. I have blogged my way almost every step on this painful journey, and privately journaled as well. It has been a journey of faith as much if not more than a journey of grief. It is easy to trust in God when everything is going well, but when every step felt like I was about to take a step off of a cliff, it required a great amount of trust to keep taking that step forward. I am thankful for the encouragement, prayers, and support that always seemed to come when I was having difficulty taking that next step forward. As I talked about in my last blog post, it was very hard to take steps outside of my comfort zone -- it seemed like my comfort zone shrank when Scott died. I could only handle so much -- and work became extremely difficult. Both jobs that I have had at the time of and since Scott's death required great emotional energy. I realized, but couldn't really do anything about it, that it took all of my emotional energy grieving Scott and helping Jaelyn grieve Scott so that I had no emotional reserves left to put into my job. Yet, my job went on and so did I.
Our new Sunday morning Bible Study is on walking by faith and just started last Sunday. A few things stood out to me during that session as well as the reading for the class that I have done since then. "It can be well with your soul even it it's not well with your circumstances." - Jennifer Rothschild. In the video, Jennifer talks about the song, "It is well with my soul." This song has always been a special song to me. I was in a church singing group called the IMPACT team for my last three years of high school. This song was always the song that we warmed up to and sang as a prayer before starting every concert. When I close my eyes I can still hear our 15 to 20 voices clearly ringing out in sweet harmony with no music, only the pureness of the voices. The words "When sorrows like sea billows roll" are words that I had no real understanding of as a child or young teenager. It was during those three years on the IMPACT team that I began to understand those words. It was during that time that my brother had his life changing accident with a significant brain injury. The hope of heaven and God's strength were the key to our family making it through with our faith and hope in God intact and even stronger than before.
But it wasn't until Scott's death that I can say that these words are as true for me as if I had written them myself. Despite the grief, pain, and shock, I can say that I always had a peace that God's hand was on us and over us. The words "sea billows roll" reminds me of our recent boat trip while on vacation and how sick I became with the choppiness of the ocean. Yet, that is still mild in comparison with the emotional seasickness of grief. Yet no matter how strong the waves of grief and sadness hit, I knew - with confidence - that it was well with my soul.
I do not know why Scott had to die so young and I can honestly say that I don't really want to know the answer. My human mind would never be able to comprehend the grand scope of God's artistry and where Scott's death fits in. I simply trust that God is bringing good out of it, whether I can see it or not, and that He will continue to bless us and provide everything that we need.
Our new Sunday morning Bible Study is on walking by faith and just started last Sunday. A few things stood out to me during that session as well as the reading for the class that I have done since then. "It can be well with your soul even it it's not well with your circumstances." - Jennifer Rothschild. In the video, Jennifer talks about the song, "It is well with my soul." This song has always been a special song to me. I was in a church singing group called the IMPACT team for my last three years of high school. This song was always the song that we warmed up to and sang as a prayer before starting every concert. When I close my eyes I can still hear our 15 to 20 voices clearly ringing out in sweet harmony with no music, only the pureness of the voices. The words "When sorrows like sea billows roll" are words that I had no real understanding of as a child or young teenager. It was during those three years on the IMPACT team that I began to understand those words. It was during that time that my brother had his life changing accident with a significant brain injury. The hope of heaven and God's strength were the key to our family making it through with our faith and hope in God intact and even stronger than before.
But it wasn't until Scott's death that I can say that these words are as true for me as if I had written them myself. Despite the grief, pain, and shock, I can say that I always had a peace that God's hand was on us and over us. The words "sea billows roll" reminds me of our recent boat trip while on vacation and how sick I became with the choppiness of the ocean. Yet, that is still mild in comparison with the emotional seasickness of grief. Yet no matter how strong the waves of grief and sadness hit, I knew - with confidence - that it was well with my soul.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
I do not know why Scott had to die so young and I can honestly say that I don't really want to know the answer. My human mind would never be able to comprehend the grand scope of God's artistry and where Scott's death fits in. I simply trust that God is bringing good out of it, whether I can see it or not, and that He will continue to bless us and provide everything that we need.
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