Slow Deep Water
Today was my Grandma Herr's funeral. To be honest, I was dreading it. Funerals have become extremely difficult since Scott's funeral. Before the service began I had a chance to chat with my uncle about the healing I have seen in Jaelyn, as well as myself. It is not an easy thing to talk about this as the tears come so easily still, especially when my emotions are so close to the surface.
I shared with my uncle that one thing I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks is that as I have seen the significant healing in Jaelyn, I almost feel as if my grieving is just beginning. This certainly isn't completely true, but there has been such a huge part of me tune into and focused on Jaelyn and helping her to grieve and heal that there is a part of my grieving that hasn't begun until now. I think that putting that into words today for the first time was a huge first step. I have been pretty deliberate and conscious of facing grief head on, not avoiding the pain as it only comes back stronger if it is avoided the first time. I grow tired of the same emotions, the same battles, over and over. The tedious, never-ending nature of grief can pull me down just as quickly, if not quicker, as the actual grief itself. It is an exhausting journey and at times it is difficult to see the light shining through.
I have been thinking a lot this afternoon and evening about a specific verse. After the graveside service today, as we looked up, there was a bald eagle soaring overhead. It was such an uplifting and fitting end to the service. It brought to mind Isaiah 40:31 - "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." This past week, I have have heard the words, "wait on the Lord" over and over again in Scripture. I'm not sure what "waiting on the Lord" is going to look like in concrete terms, but simply to trust and keep putting this journey back in His hands as it isn't mine to control and I have never truly been in control of it. I'm learning that some things can't be forced. God has guided this grief journey so far and I see the change in my grief from the raging white water to slow, deep water. If I try to rush this part of the journey, it will simply leave me exhausted and weak. My prayer for myself is to wait on God, take in His beauty around me, find refreshment in Him and His beauty, and allow Him to set the speed.
I shared with my uncle that one thing I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks is that as I have seen the significant healing in Jaelyn, I almost feel as if my grieving is just beginning. This certainly isn't completely true, but there has been such a huge part of me tune into and focused on Jaelyn and helping her to grieve and heal that there is a part of my grieving that hasn't begun until now. I think that putting that into words today for the first time was a huge first step. I have been pretty deliberate and conscious of facing grief head on, not avoiding the pain as it only comes back stronger if it is avoided the first time. I grow tired of the same emotions, the same battles, over and over. The tedious, never-ending nature of grief can pull me down just as quickly, if not quicker, as the actual grief itself. It is an exhausting journey and at times it is difficult to see the light shining through.
I have been thinking a lot this afternoon and evening about a specific verse. After the graveside service today, as we looked up, there was a bald eagle soaring overhead. It was such an uplifting and fitting end to the service. It brought to mind Isaiah 40:31 - "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." This past week, I have have heard the words, "wait on the Lord" over and over again in Scripture. I'm not sure what "waiting on the Lord" is going to look like in concrete terms, but simply to trust and keep putting this journey back in His hands as it isn't mine to control and I have never truly been in control of it. I'm learning that some things can't be forced. God has guided this grief journey so far and I see the change in my grief from the raging white water to slow, deep water. If I try to rush this part of the journey, it will simply leave me exhausted and weak. My prayer for myself is to wait on God, take in His beauty around me, find refreshment in Him and His beauty, and allow Him to set the speed.
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