Posts

Showing posts from September, 2012

Whole vs Hole

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. . . The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. . . This hole in your heart is the shape of the one you lost – no one else can fit it.   – Jeanette Winterson Today most of this quote rings true to me, still not sure about the pain stopping, but the part about the hole in your heart being the shape of the one you lost fits how I felt today.   Today Jaelyn and I went to visit friends, Bill and Laurie Baltaeff, who live in the Philadelphia area.   We have not seen them since Scott’s funeral.   Bill and Scott were close friends for about fifteen years.    Bill and Laurie married when Jaelyn was nine months old.   Ever since they started dating, it has been the four of us (plus kids) getting together.   Today, Scott’s loss and absence was very obvious.   Whenever Jaelyn and I get together with friends, Scott’s absence is amplified and this changes the whole dynamic.   It is as if all of our “coupl

Challenges of a Grieving Single Parent

I started today on a fairly even keel emotionally. I’m learning which things are an automatic trigger to bring the raw edge of grief to the surface and bubbling over.   I use to somewhat enjoy some of the long drives that I do for work as time to talk with Scott or my parents mostly uninterrupted.   Now those same drives allow time to think with no distractions.   I find that when I am at home I have a tendency to keep myself busy doing something, even if it is as simple and mindless as playing solitaire.   This keeps me from thinking about things too much.   When I am driving alone I find my mind constantly drawn to thoughts of Scott and the tears bubble over.   Now that we are past the six week mark of Scott’s death, I think my mental and emotional numbness is wearing off and I find my emotions overflowing quickly.   The permanency and the hugeness of our loss hits like a ton of bricks and the grief comes in waves.   I thank God that while the waves of grief are strong, they are

Reflections

I’m sitting reflecting on the past two days.   As rough as yesterday was emotionally, I’m thankful that I was able to take time to face the emotions and work through them.   So often when emotions hit, it is an inopportune time and emotions get stuffed down for later, but later doesn’t come.   I know that grief is a process and I am only in the beginning stages.   Everyone’s journey through grief is different, although many of the emotions may be the same.   I am learning to be more in tune to my emotions than I probably have been at any point in my life.   The time I spent at the Veteran’s Memorial at the cemetery yesterday with my journal, bible, and a box of tissues was not planned ahead of time.   I knew that I needed to be outside somewhere peaceful and quiet.   I didn’t know where I was going to end up when I left home that morning.   I have tried over the last two days to explain the power of the Veteran’s Memorial to friends and have had a difficult time putting it into

Stuck

Image
This blog was written earlier today: I'm sitting in the Veteran's Memorial at Fort Indiantown Gap National Cemetery.  The sound of the fountains almost blocks out the sound of the lawnmowers. It is beautiful, with a clear sky and sunshine.  Birds are singing and there is a peacefulness about this place.  I have been hit with such a flood of emotions today.  I went to work, but was only able to stay for about twenty minutes.  I have been unable to stop crying today. I'm not sure what has triggered the emotional onslaught today.   I think the permanency of the situation is catching up to me.  I miss Scott so much and am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about the future without Scott. It still seems like a bad dream that I will wake up from, then look back at the dream and be grateful that it was only a bad dream.  Yet I know it isn't a bad dream, but reality. I miss falling asleep with my head on Scott's chest listening to his heartbeat.  I miss his teasing and

Identity Change

Yesterday I finally made it to the benefits office at work to update my health insurance and my beneficiaries for my death benefits and retirement.  It is the first time since Scott's death that I have filled out a form that asked for marital status.  It was like a hit between the eyes and I had to stop and think what to put in that spot.  It was very hard to write the word widow.   I still can't bring myself to change my facebook status to widow.  In my mind my marital status is married.  I feel like my whole identity has changed since Scott's death.  I am no longer a wife. I am no longer Scott's wife, I am Scott's widow.  This change feels so big to me that it feels like it is stamped on my forehead.   I sometimes wonder how I can look and act normally enough that those who do not know me cannot tell that my life has drastically and tragically changed in the past six weeks.  It is a surreal experience to function "normally" when something so huge and e

Emotional Overload

I had a two hour drive (one way) scheduled for today to see of the kids I'm working with.  Normally I would talk to my parents or Scott when driving long distances for work.  Today however, my parents weren't available as they were doing a stand at a show out of the area.  This highlighted the fact that I couldn't talk with Scott either.  Two hours in a van alone was not a great day -- too much time to think. I'm not sure I can even describe all the emotions I'm experiencing today, but I'm going to give it a try.  First is such an intense feeling of loneliness and missing the friendship that Scott and I had.  I lost my best friend and it is in the quiet moments that this hits home the most.  I still check my phone throughout the day for texts or phone messages from him.  I miss him reminding me to loosen up, just relax, and not take things so seriously.  I miss how he balanced me out and helped soften some of my edges. I am struck by a sense of anger and unf

Things I'm grateful for:

Things I'm grateful for (in no particular order): Thirteen wonderful years of marriage with Scott. Some bumpy years, but we definitely tried to learn from those experiences. A wonderful daughter - Jaelyn.  She is so caring toward others.  Jaelyn has a wonderful sense of humor.  I love her so much and am so proud of her. A home that is paid for (no rent, no mortgage).  Thankful that this was important to Scott and we accomplished this about six months ago. No debt. Jaelyn was not with Scott when he died.  Scott was so active with Jaelyn and I am extremely thankful that Jaelyn does not have to deal with being with Scott when he died. Scott is in heaven.  Scott was private about his faith and was most often behind the scenes in ministry -- helping others quietly and without notice or acknowledgement. Scott had life insurance. Scott planned for the future.  As I've said in previous posts, Scott planned aggressively and with risk (at least in my mind) for the future, and of

The Cemetery and Jaelyn

Image
Jaelyn and I went to the cemetery this evening to see Scott’s stone.   Jaelyn did not want to go.   I had already told her that she needed to go just once to see the stone and then any trips to the cemetery after that would be up to her.   We saw quite a few deer just driving through the cemetery to get to the section where Scott is buried.   This helped distract her a little bit and she didn’t withdraw as much as she has the last couple of times we have been at the grave or just driven through the cemetery.   Jaelyn got out of the car willingly to come back to the stone.   She pointed it out to me before I had caught sight of it.   We spent about five minutes there talking about the stone.   She read the inscription aloud.   Then she was ready to go.   We talked about different gravestones on the way back to the car.   Jaelyn realized as we were walked among the stones that we were walking over people’s bodies.   I reminded her that it was simply their body, but that their spirits

Just Half

Image
Jaelyn had her first soccer game of the season today.   I kept looking next to me expecting to see Scott sitting there cheering her on.   Everywhere I look, he is missing from the picture.   I am used to being half of a whole – now I just feel like a half. When we get together with friends, it doesn’t feel right – I am the only half of a couple there – which highlights Scott’s absence, yet I draw strength from being with friends.     I don’t think I realized how hard today was for Jaelyn also, until this evening.   She spent some time writing in her journal tonight, even while we were watching the Bertrand kids.   I checked her journal later and she had written about missing her daddy and that he was an angel.   But when she came down from her shower, she climbed up in my lap.   Jaelyn told me that she missed daddy and that she wanted to die just to see daddy again.   I told her that it would break my heart if she died – it is hard enough missing daddy, but to miss her also woul

"The Wild Mouse"

Image
My emotions are swirling tonight.   I am coming to hate this rollercoaster ride called grief and I have just started the ride with no end in sight.   Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate amusement park rides and the only reason that I rode a rollercoaster on our trip to Hershey Park two weeks ago was because of how much I love my daughter.   Yet here I am on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of and didn’t have a choice in whether or not I was going to ride it.   Tonight my emotions feel like riding the Wild Mouse.   Anyone reading my Facebook posts two weeks ago knows that I hated the Wild Mouse and wouldn’t ride it again.   But right now that is how I would describe my rollercoaster of grief.   I feel like I am whipping around corners with whiplash speed from a mostly even emotional space to facing grief headfirst, then to the highs of enjoying Jaelyn, taking pride in my work, to the lows of filing at the courthouse for Scott’s estate today.   I don’t know which way I’m going

Sucker Punched by Grief

Image
Wow -- I think both Jaelyn and I were sucker punched by grief this weekend.  It was a rough weekend emotionally.  I don't think I was prepared for how hard the grief hit this weekend.  This was the first "normal" weekend since Scott's death and maybe that is why it hit us so hard. I also think the reality of Scott being gone is starting to hit.  I don't feel as numb inside as I have most of the last three weeks.   I'm not sure if Jaelyn's reaction was simply playing off my emotions as I've noticed she has tended to do since Scott's death, or if it was similar to mine in reacting to Scott being missing from our "normal" time.  I have felt the tears just boiling inside me, begging to spill over all the time this weekend.  I have tried to control it because of concern for how Jaelyn would handle it.  I'm not sure that I did a great job of controlling it, I think it made me have a shorter temper and be less patient with Jaelyn.  Church

Pain

While Scott's notebooks and journaling have been a source of comfort, there has also been pain associated with them as well.  As I'm sure anyone who journals knows, not everything is positive that is written.  As one would expect, it is difficult to read when he is expressing his frustrations with me and our marriage -- and I have no opportunity to discuss it with him now.   The last three years of our marriage were challenging and difficult due to leaving Milton Hershey under challenging circumstances and Scott's depression and anxiety.   Living with someone with depression and anxiety is a rollercoaster ride -- you never quite know where you stand -- is he being quiet because he is depressed or because he is upset with me. It is very easy to take the depression personally.  We really drew apart during this time.  Scott was the type of person to hold his feelings in and had difficulty expressing them.  I suppose, now that I think about it, we were fairly similar in that as